A half-hearted living

I knew i'll have to say goodbye soon and i couldn't stand it.

These four walls have left me feeling more alone than i ever expected.

 mostly because this house feels empty.

Even when everyone is here and even when i can't think because of all the yelling.

I know it's because this place isn't like home anymore.

Since home is sometimes a person and i lost that.

I'm not where I'm supposed to be,

I'm not with who I'm supposed to be,

and I'm not who I'm supposed to be.

But most of all, i don't know where i belong. 

sometimes, when it's late and i can't sleep,

i replay the things i miss the most behind my closed eyelids.

Everything is about you or someone else who is just as gone.

These are the things i do to myself when i'm too tired to fight anymore,

too tired to even move, too tired to not think about you after an endless day of forcing myself not to. 

Because during the day, the one thing i know with any type of certainty is i cannot afford to remember you. at least not right now.

I can feel my bones fracture from the pressure of what could have been if i had been just a little more careful. 

kept my emotions in check.

Been patient and tried to figure out what you really wanted.

Sometimes, when I'm playing the images in my head, i know i shouldn't be thinking these things, but i do not care. not right now. 

I cannot afford to think about the sound of your voice and how it's slipping from me.

I cannot afford to remember these things since i cannot afford to remember you,

but i also know i cannot afford to forget. 

This is why I'm stuck. this is why i can't get over you no matter how many times i begin,

because there's this never ending universe of regrets and fears and confusion and pointless hopes that i may need a lifetime to sort out.

I know that I'm going to have to live this way. loving you with half a heart. never quite whole again.